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Authors: Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel

Lunatics

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OTHER BOOKS BY DAVE BARRY

FICTION

The Bridge to Never Land
(with Ridley Pearson)

Peter and the Sword of Mercy
(with Ridley Pearson)

Science Fair
(with Ridley Pearson)

Peter and the Secret of Rundoon
(with Ridley Pearson)

Cave of the Dark Wind
(with Ridley Pearson)

The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog

Escape from the Carnivale
(with Ridley Pearson)

Peter and the Shadow Thieves
(with Ridley Pearson)

Peter and the Starcatchers
(with Ridley Pearson)

Tricky Business

Big Trouble

NONFICTION

I'll Mature When I'm Dead

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

Dave Barry's Money Secrets

Boogers Are My Beat

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway

Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down

Dave Barry Turns 50

Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus

Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs

Dave Barry in Cyberspace

Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys

Dave Barry Is
Not
Making This Up

Dave Barry Does Japan

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

Dave Barry Talks Back

Dave Barry Turns 40

Dave Barry Slept Here

Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes

Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage and/or Sex

Dave Barry's Bad Habits

Claw Your Way to the Top

Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex

The Taming of the Screw

 

OTHER BOOKS BY ALAN ZWEIBEL

Clothing Optional: And Other Ways to Read These Stories

The Other Shulman: A Novel

Bunny Bunny: Gilda Radner—A Sort of Love Story

Our Tree Named Steve
(children's book)

North

Lunatics

Dave Barry

and

Alan Zweibel

G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS

NEW YORK

G. P. PUTNAM'S SONS

Publishers Since 1838

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA • Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) • Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England • Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen's Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd) • Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd) • Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi–110 017, India • Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd) • Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Copyright © 2012 by Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors' rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

Published simultaneously in Canada

ISBN 978-1-101-56577-3

BOOK DESIGN BY BRIAN MULLIGAN

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authors' imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

While the authors have made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the authors assume any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

We dedicate this book to our wives,

Michelle and Robin,

who, if we had discussed the idea with them ahead

of time, would definitely have discouraged us.

ADVISORY

Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel have both written books for children. This is definitely not one of them.

PROLOGUE

Before we explain how
it all happened, we'd like to take this opportunity, from the get-go, to apologize.

What do you mean “we”?

I thought we agreed that we would take responsibility for . . .

Whoa whoa whoa. I agree that YOU should take responsibility. No way in hell am I apologizing for something I didn't do. Because none of this, no, let me correct that, NONE of this, would ever have happened if you knew the goddam rules of the game of socc . . .

Okay, let's not get into that again . . .

I'll get into whatever I want to get into, you douchebag.

The point is, dear reader, that mistakes were made, and things got out of hand, and we, I should say
I'm
, very sorry for any mental anguish, financial loss, destruction of property, or serious physical injury that may have been caused to anyone, including my loving wife and children, my friends, my community, innocent bystanders, the brave and dedicated men and women of the New York Police Department, the staff and patients of Lenox Hill Hospital, the fine officers, crew and passengers aboard the SS
Windsong
, the Port-au-Prince Duffel Bag Company, Charo, and the U.S. armed forces—in particular the Coast Guard. I also apologize to all three branches of the United States government, Arnie and Sue Kogen, and to both the General Assembly and Security Council of the United Nations for any role we may have played—and I assure you it was completely inadvertent—in exacerbating world tensions. And on a more personal note, let me say that, as a passionate lifelong lover and protector of animals, I deeply regret any of our actions that endangered any of the helpless, vulnerable creatures of the Central Park Zoo.

HELPLESS? Those things had teeth like fucking steak knives.

Finally, on the advice of legal counsel, I want to stress that nothing in the account that you are about to read is meant to suggest or imply that there is now, or has ever been, a connection between any international terrorist organization and the Chuck E. Cheese restaurant chain.

Chuck E. Cheese can bite
me.

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